I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
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Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
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If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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