Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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