I cannot find my penis.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
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he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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