Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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