I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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