I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
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As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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