I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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