Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
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I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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