lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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