I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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