there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
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I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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