Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
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They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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