wrigley field is MILF paradise
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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