i think my mom watched the whole time
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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