I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
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Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
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And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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