the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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