I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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