nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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