im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
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I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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