good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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