You just made me feel so damn special
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
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Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
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I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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