Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I love having hate sex.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
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She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
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FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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