when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize