she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize