Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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