So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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