Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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