Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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