once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize