Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
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I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
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If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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