i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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