The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
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If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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