hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
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I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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