I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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