Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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