I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
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I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
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Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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