i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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