don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
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I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
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I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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