white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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