So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
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When are your genitals available?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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