Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
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WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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