R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
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i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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