I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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