I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
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I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
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i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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