He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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