I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
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my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
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the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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