Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
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I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
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I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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