Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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