every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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