i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
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You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
the liver wants what the liver wants
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Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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